Sanctuary and Serenity

Posts Tagged ‘nurturing

Who Will Touch Me.
As a child I had no rights – where my body was concerned.  I was subjected to indiscriminate, inappropriate touching by adult(s) that did not feel right, good or nurturing to me.  I was obligated to endure those uneasy and scary feelings as a child.
In my recovery I am learning to set boundaries and I realize that I have a right to determine by whom and how I will be touched.  Depending on how I feel, I can say “no” or “yes” to others who want to touch me.  It is my choice.  I listen the “inner-radar” that tells me – when I listen – if touching is OK.  My inner voice, along with my adult skills, helps me to learn who the safe people are.
I can seek out a *safe* person and ask for a hug or a pat on the back and simply note how it feels.  I can also remember that I have the right to decline being touched in any way, by others, and that I can tell them precisely how I want to be touched.

How I Feel about My Abuser Right Now, Is OK and Valid.
My feelings about this may vary from day to day or even from moment to moment.  Especially if my sexual offender was a parent.  I may have many feelings that conflict.  I could spend a great deal of time trying to figure out how I “should” feel, how I am expected to feel.  Instead of this, I can let go and allow feelings I am having about my offender to be OK and valid for any moment.  If my offender was a parent, I might have very positive feelings for them and even gratitude for the gifts they passed on to me.
Some smells or the sight of certain objects or pictures may remind me of the nurturing gifts that that person shared with me when he wasn’t acting out in his sickness.  I may also, at some other time, be reminded of the atrocities of the horrendous sexual acts they committed against me as a child and feel hateful, vengeful, and disgusted.  These feelings are valid as well, just because they are.  I do not have to discard the positive feelings I might have toward my offender simply because I also feel negative feelings about the sexual abuse.
When I begin to heal, I will have and be able to validate all my feelings about my offender.  The important thing is to allow my inner-child to have all her feelings so she can begin to feel whole.  I can help her heal, as an adult, simply by validating her feelings and helping her to do whatever she needs to do – in a safe way – to express these feelings.  We can learn that both negative and positive feelings about a person or situation can exist together and we will be OK, and very sane.

Nonsexual Relationships.
As a survivor of abuse, it may be hard for me to trust that my relationships with other people can be nonsexual.  I may still hang on to my child’s belief that in the end, people are only attracted to me for sexual reasons.
I can affirm my right to have nonsexual, nurturing, healthy relationships with people of both sexes by taking small risks with those people I trust.  I can look after myself by being very clear with others about my needs and my boundaries.  I can ask them to honor and respect my needs and parameters and try to trust that they are telling the truth.
There may be great pain and grief about never having this nonsexual nurturing as a child.  I can be patient and supportive with myself as I start to experience this new kind of healthy, clean, clear, and safe relationship.