Sanctuary and Serenity

Posts Tagged ‘feelings

What Was Done to Me as a Child Is NOT Who That Child Was.
With my child’s mind, I thought that who I was as a child was directly related to my sexual abuse.  Since I had no one to tell me how precious and worthful I was, no matter what was done to me, I figured that what was done to me was who I was – shameful and terrifying!
I carried these feelings inside me, into my adulthood and continued to wonder why I had so much self-loathing and so little self-esteem.  I may have even tried to rid myself of these “demons” by trying to do away with myself.  Perhaps I could see no other way to relieve myself of these overwhelmingly painful feelings.
I have learned in recovery that those feelings of shame and terror were not at all a part of who that child was.  They were feelings passed on to me by my abuser’s shameful and terrorizing acts.
With my recovering adult thinking, I can separate the acts of my abuser from my precious and worthful child.  I do this by affirming that child and by walking with her through the grief and process of returning the shameful feelings to her abusers.  I become lighter and more joy-filled as I continue to let go of shame that does not belong to me and as I allow myself to have the feelings about what was done to me.

Support as I Grieve.
I may have spent years keeping the secrets of the abuse and abuser from others and maybe even from myself, that it may be hard as I start to grieve to allow other people in as support.  This secret – I have borne so long, alone and ashamedly, that I might have come to believe that no one would believe me, never mind support me in my healing process.
I am learning that my grieving process is absolutely necessary as a means for me to “walk through” these painful memories.  I can now believe that I have a right and a deep need to be supported by other people during this process.  I am once again feeling some intense losses that I have held to myself for years.
I can allow myself to be supported in a way that feels safe to me.  Others can be there for me to lean on now.  I can finally let down my guard, my wall, and safely express the feelings I have held onto for so long.

Many times in my life I have ignored or discounted the messages my inner-child has attempted to send me.  She can be very correct in her idea of what is safe or healthy for me – if I will listen to her.  A queasy, tense feeling in my stomach or a persistent alertness can help me to know when I am in with an unsafe person or in an unsafe situation.  Her feelings can be trusted.
I probably spent my life ignoring these messages so I could survive.  I tried to “dig into my head” to try and figure it all out.  I may have figured that I was crazy, the one to blame, at fault, or plain wrong – but inside, I “felt” differently.  This feeling was my inner-child attempting to tell me the truth.
When I find myself defending my feelings I can be pretty sure that I am ignoring my inner-child and reverting back to an old survivor tactic – rationalization.  This is when I should stop, breathe very deeply, and practice getting in touch with my inner-child’s messages for me.  I can eventually learn to trust her and won’t have to intellectualize to hide my feelings.  I can simply start to trust my feelings and, therefore, myself.