Posts Tagged ‘express’
Support as I Grieve.
I may have spent years keeping the secrets of the abuse and abuser from others and maybe even from myself, that it may be hard as I start to grieve to allow other people in as support. This secret – I have borne so long, alone and ashamedly, that I might have come to believe that no one would believe me, never mind support me in my healing process.
I am learning that my grieving process is absolutely necessary as a means for me to “walk through” these painful memories. I can now believe that I have a right and a deep need to be supported by other people during this process. I am once again feeling some intense losses that I have held to myself for years.
I can allow myself to be supported in a way that feels safe to me. Others can be there for me to lean on now. I can finally let down my guard, my wall, and safely express the feelings I have held onto for so long.
The Right to Feel Angry.
As a child I witnessed violent anger in the form of rage – acted out or silent – and so I may have figured that anger was not a safe emotion to feel. I felt the abuser’s anger intensely every time I was sexually abused. I may not have been aware of this anger, but it was there -unspoken. As a defenseless, innocent child, I was certainly not aware of my own anger at what was happening to me. I was too trapped in terror and was attempting to move out of the experience – at least on the emotional and the intellectual levels.
I may still experience guilt, fear, or an entire range of emotions and thoughts whenever I feel anger at someone or a situation. Anger may still be unwelcome and uncomfortable for me, and I may go to great lengths to avoid it – particularly in regard to relationships with others.
As an adult, I have the ability and the freedom to learn that anger is, and that I have every right to feel it and express it in ways that I feel are safe for me. I can get help with learning to express my anger so it can eventually feel like a normal, acceptable emotion. This may not be simple, and I might need to exercise patience with myself as I learn to do this.
As I heal, I will learn that my inner-child has a huge amount of anger and rage that she feels toward her offender. She will need a great deal of help from me in helping to express these feelings in safe ways. She has every right to feel anger about her abuse, and I can help her to heal by affirming this for her. She can begin to feel the anger she was absolutely entitled to feel during and after the abuse. I need to know that I have the right to feel angry and that I am not bad because I feels this. I am finally getting the opportunity to feel my natural feelings.