Sanctuary and Serenity

Archive for the ‘Addiction / Codependency’ Category


Big thanks to Kelly K for finding this. 🙂

People who inflict domestic abuse on their partners have common traits: They exert control, humiliate their partners, and begin with emotional abuse.

Medically reviewed by Lindsey Marcellin, MD, MPH

Domestic violence is a common problem that affects many women, and even some men, in the United States. “Domestic violence crosses socioeconomic stratifications,” says Anthony Siracusa, PhD, a psychologist in Williamstown, Mass., and a spokesperson for the American Psychological Association. “Many perpetrators and victims of domestic violence come from what society would describe as ‘good, wholesome families.’”

For victims of domestic abuse, it can often be difficult to admit that domestic violence is happening, and it can be even harder to do something about it. That’s why it’s important to know the warning signs and how to get help when you first experience emotional or any other type of abuse.

Domestic Violence: What are the Signs of Domestic Abuse?

To Read More, CLICK HERE!!


Have questions about your sexuality? So many survivors question their sexuality, and their confusion lays on whether the abuse that  they’ve survived has caused them not to be heterosexual. Ones sexual identity may not be who you are, yet it is an intregal part to who you are and your lifestyle! When one suffers abuse from previous to and including 5-6 years old, your views of what was a boundary, or what was the right way to handle a situation, even having had to have sexual encounters with children of the same sex. Thus, when you reached puberty or before you without realising it were apt to reenact what abuses you had previously suffered. This may have even been due to the need to find comfort and love as all people, all not just the abused need cuddles, comfort and kindness. It may have been a way to find it. This could cause one to suffer from sexual identity, and sexuality issues.

This sexual confusion could be based in that your sexual awareness was immersed from an early age when you hadn’t a choice let alone the fact that you weren’t sexual yet. Thus, losing your childhood your innocence and causing an teenage, young adult and adulthood of pain and confusion.

Sexuality and sexual orientation are very different. Your sexual orientation is who you are based on whom your attracted to which would lead you to being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. Sexuality is the sexual self as who you veiw yourself as being.

So it is very possible to have homosexual thoughts and not be homosexual and vice a versa. As for sexual orientation it is based on a continuum.. If you said that being 100% Homosexual was 1 on a scale of 1-10 and 100% heterosxual was 10, no one would ever be a 1 or a 10. Thus, most that identify as homosexual would probably be around a 3 to 4, and heterosexual about 8 -9, and what about bisexual, dead on 5? No proboably either side of five.

Hence people may have fantasies that are homosexual and not be homosexual and same for heterosexuality and not be heterosexual. So when someone identifies with being heterosexual and has that intrusive thought of being with someone of the same sex doesn’t make you a homosexual and vice a versa. The point being that sexuality isn’t about sexual organs, it is a mental connection with someone else, entirely. Thus, if your homosexual, you’d know it as it isn’t a choice, it just is. It is no different than a persons ethnicity. You are who you are, based on your knowledge and innner wisdom. One just doesn’t “turn” gay, or becomes homosexual. You either are or your not!

The issue too is whether your are having a sexual enncounter with someone due to it being a choice based on your wants and desires, or is it due to what you’ve been trained to do and/or a matter of automaticity. So, if your involved in a sexual relationship based on what others have defined you as being, and not your definition of who you are, then there is a problem.  Your not living your life your sexuality. That is why it is so important to make sure that your living that life that is your sexual orientation and not someone elses definition. It can be very confusing and best sorted out in therapy.

Your sexual relationships are yours and no one elses. And your sexual life can be a very healthy happy way to express your love for another person. It doesn’t have to be dirty or hurtful. It takes a lot of work and it can be worked out in therapy what your true orientation is. It is important to our personal identification as to who we are and who we express our love with.

If your worried what others think of your sexuality, your wasting time. They are more engrossed in their own lives to be worried about what your doing sexually. Only worry we have as the human community that is in common, isthe harming of children and taking their innocence from them. That is a common goal we are all party too. So, if you are confused in you sexuality and find that sex is a job not a pleasurable experience shared with someone with whom you can trust, it is something clearly to address with a therapist.

by

Jeanne M. Callahan Ba Hons Psychology (University of Essex, Colchester UK


  • It’s not ok to feel angry.
  • Anger is a waste of time and energy.
  • Good, nice people don’t feel angry.
  • We shouldn’t feel angry when we do.
  • We’ll lose control and go crazy if we get angry.
  • People will go away if we get angry with them.
  • Other people should never feel anger toward us.
  • If others get angry with us, we must have done something wrong.
  • If other people are angry with us, we made them feel that way and we’re responsible for fixing their feelings.
  • If we feel angry, someone else made us feel that way and that person is responsible for fixing our feelings.
  • If we feel angry with someone, the relationship is over and that perosn has to go away.
  • If we feel angry with someone, we should punish that person for making us feel angry.
  • If we feel angry with someone, that person has to change what he or she is doing so we don’t feel angry anymore.
  • If we feel angry, we have to hit someone or break something.
  • If we feel angry, we have to shout and holler.
  • If we feel angry with someone, it means we don’t love that person anymore.
  • If someone feels angry with us, it means that person doesn’t love us anymore.
  • Anger is a sinful emotion.
  • It’s ok to feel angry only when we can justify our feelings.
~Of course not all will apply to everyone…but worth thinking over.


Codependents frequently aren’t certain whom or when to trust.

Quit trying to make yourself trust someone you don’t trust.

We can trust ourselves.  We can trust ourselves to make good decisions about whom to trust.  Many of us have been making inappropriate decisions about trust.  It is not wise to trust an alcoholic to never drink again if that alcoholic has not received treatment for the disease of alcoholism.  It is not even wise to trust an alcoholic never to drink again if he or she has received treatment – there are no guarantees on human behaviour.  But we can trust people to be who they are.  We can learn to see people clearly.

Figure out if people’s words match their behaviours.  Is what they say the same as what they do?  As one woman puts it, “He’s looking real good, but he’s not acting any better.”

If we pay attention to ourselves and the messages we receive from the world, we will know whom to trust, when to trust, and why to trust a particular person.  We may discover we’ve always known whom to trust – we just weren’t listening to ourselves.


Rescuing and caretaking mean almost what they sound like.  We rescue people from their responsibilities.  We take care of people’s responsibilities for them.  Later we get mad at them for what we’ve done.  Then we feel used and sorry for ourselves.  That is the pattern, the triangle.
Rescuing and caretaking are synonymous.  Their definitions are closely connected to enabling.  Enabling is therapeutic jargon that means a destructive form of helping.  Any acts that help an alcoholic continue drinking, prevent the alcoholic from suffering consequences, or in any way make it easier for an alcoholic to continue drinking are considered enabling behaviours.
As counselor Scott Egleston says, we rescue anytime we take responsibility for another human being – for that person’s thoughts, feelings, decisions, behaviours, growth, well-being, problems, or destiny.  The following acts constitute a rescuing or caretaking move:
  • Doing something we don’t really want to do.
  • Saying yes when we mean no.
  • Doing something for someone although that person is capable of and should be doing it for him – or her – self.
  • Meeting people’s needs without being asked and before we’ve agreed to do so.
  • Doing more than a fair share of work after our help is requested.
  • Fixing people’s feelings.
  • Doing people’s thinking for them.
  • Speaking for another person.
  • Suffering people’s consequences for them.
  • Solving people’s problems for them.
  • Putting more interest and activity into a joint effort than the other person does.
  • Not asking for what we want, need, and desire.

We rescue whenever we take care of other people.

At the time we rescue or caretake we may feel one or more of the following feeings: discomfort and awdwardness about the other person’s dilemma; urgency to do something; pity; guilt; saintliness; anxiety; extreme responsibility for that person or problem; fear; a sense of being forced or compelled to do something; mild or severe reluctance to do anything; more competency than the person we are “helping”; or occasional resentment at being put in this position.  We also think the person we are taking care of is helpless and unable to do what we are doing for him or her.  We feel needed temporarily.

I am not referring to acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping – situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance.  These acts are the good stuff of life.  Rescuing or caretaking isn’t.


I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot decide for you.
I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you about drinking, but I can’t say “no” for you.
I can warn you about drugs, but I can’t prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can’t achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I can’t force you to be gracious.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.


Parent Author Unknown
~Posted by tigar on Perfect Daughters~


Many codependents become what some people call drama or crisis addicts.  Strangely enough, problems can become addicting.  If we live with enough misery, crises, and turmoil long enough, the fear and stimulation caused by problems can become a comfortable emotional experience.  In her excellent book, Getting Them Sober, Volume II, Toby Rice Drews refers to this feeling as “excited misery.”  After a while, we can become so used to involving our emotions with problems and crises that we may get and stay involved with problems that aren’t our concern.  We may even start making troubles or making troubles greater than they are to create stimulation for ourselves.  This is especially true if we have greatly neglected our own lives and feelings.  When we’re involved with a problem, we know we’re alive.  When the problem is solved, we may feel empty and void of feeling.  Nothing to do.  Being in crisis becomes a comfortable place, and it saves us from our humdrum existence.  It’s like getting addicted to soap operas except the daily crisis in our lives and the lives of our friends and family.  “Will Ginny leave John?”  “Can we save Herman’s job?”  “How will Henrietta survive this dilemma?”
After we have detached and begun minding our own business and our lives finally become serene, some codependents will occasionally crave a little of the old excitement.  We may at times find our new way of life boring.  We are just used to so much turmoil and excitement that peace seems bland at first.  We’ll get used to it.  As we develop our lives, set our goals, and find things to do that interest us, peace will become comfortable – more comfortable than chaos.  We will no longer need nor desire excited misery.
We need to learn to recognize when we are seeking out “excited misery.”  Understand that we don’t have to make problems or get involved with others’ problems.  Find creative ways to fill our need for drama.  Get enjoyable jobs.  But keep the exited misery out of our lives.


Yes, it is normal to have sexual problems.  Many people have problems with sex.  Many codependents experience sexual problems.  Alcoholism and the whole range of compulsive disorders attack all areas of intimacy.  Sometimes, the physical expression of love is the last and final loss we suffer – the blow that tells us the problem won’t go away, no matter how long we close our eyes.
Sometimes the alcoholic has the problem.  He becomes impotent, or she loses her sexual desire.  This can happen both before and after recovery.  Frequently, it is the codependent who has problems with sex.  There is a range of difficulties that can be encountered in the bedroom.  We may be unable to achieve orgasm, fear loss of control, or lack trust in our partner.  We may withdraw emotionally from our partner, be unwilling to be vulnerable with our partner, or lack desire for our partner.  We may feel revulsion toward our partner, or we don’t get needs met because we’re not asking to get these needs met.  The relationship probably isn’t going to be much better in bed than it is outside the bedroom.  If we’re care taking in the kitchen, we’ll probably be care taking in the bedroom.  If we’re angry and hurt before we make love, we’ll probably feel angry and hurt after we make love.  If we don’t want to be in the relationship we won’t want to have sex with that person.  The sexual relationship will echo and reflect the overall tone of the relationship.
Sexual problems can sneak up on people.  For a while, sex can be the salvation of a troubled relationship.  Sex can be a way of making up after an argument.  Talking seems to clear the air, and sex makes it all better.  After a certain point, though, talking may no longer clear the air.  Talking just fogs it up more,and sex stops making it better.  Instead, sex can make things worse.
For some, sex may become a purely clinical act that provides approximately the same emotional satisfaction as brushing one’s teeth.  For others, it can become a time of humiliation and degradation: another chore, another duty, something else we should do but don’t want to.  It becomes one more area that isn’t working, that we feel guilty and ashamed about, that we try to lie to ourselves about.  We have one more area in our lives that causes us to wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”
I am not a sex therapist.  I have no cures or technical advice – just some common sense.  I believe taking care of ourselves means we apply the same principles in the bedroom as we do in any other area of our lives.  First, we stop blaming and hating ourselves.
Once we understand that, we get honest with ourselves.  We stop running, hiding, and denying.  We gently ask ourselves what we are feeling and thinking, then we trust our answers.  We respectfully listen to ourselves.  We don’t abuse and punish ourselves.  We understand the problem we are experiencing is a normal response to the system we have been living in.  Of course we’re having that problem – it’s a normal part of the process.  It would be abnormal to not feel revulsion, withdrawal, lack of trust, or other negative feelings.  There’s nothing wrong with us.
After we have sorted things out, we get honest with our partner.  We tell him or her what we are thinking and feeling, and what we need from him or her.  We explore possibilities, negotiating and compromising when appropriate.  If we cannot solve our problems by ourselves, we seek professional help.
Some of us may have sought comfort in extramarital affairs.  We need to forgive ourselves and figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.  We can try to understand our actions were common reactions to the problems we have been living with.
Some of us may be trying to run from our problems by having a series of unsatisfactory sexual relationships.  That frequently occurs during the denial stage, when compulsive behaviours tend to set in.  We don’t have to continue doing that.  We can face and solve our problems in other ways.  We can forgive ourselves and quit hurting ourselves.
Some of us may be looking for love and coming up with sex instead.  Understand what we need and figure out how to best meet our needs.
Some of us may need to start asking for what we need.  Others may need to learn to say no.  Some of us may be trying to force love back into a dead relationship by trying to force sexual enjoyment.  That technique may not work.  Sex isn’t love; it is sex.  It doesn’t make love exist if the love wasn’t there to start with.  Sex can only express the love that already exists.
Some of us may have given up and decided sex isn’t that important.  I happen to believe sex is important.  It’s not the most important thing in life, but it’s an important part of my life.
Sex is a powerful force, a great source for intimacy and for pleasure.  We can take care of ourselves if our sex life isn’t working the way we would like it to.  We are responsible for our sexual behaviour – for our enjoyment or lack of pleasure in bed.  We can ask ourselves, what are our sex lives telling us about our relationship?


Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.
For More Info On CoDA please visit the official web site


Is AlaTeen For Me?

Alcoholism is a family disease. Those of us who have lived with this disease as children sometimes have problems which the Al-Anon program can help us to resolve.  If someone close to you has, or has had, a drinking problem the following questions may help you in determining whether alcoholism affected your childhood or present life, and if Al-Anon is for you.

1. Do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?

2. Do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?

3. Do you fear criticism?

4. Do you over extend yourself?

5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?

6. Do you have a need for perfection?

7. Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?

8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

9. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?

10. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?

11. Do you isolate yourself from other people?

12. Do you respond with fear to authority figures and angry people?

13. do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?

14. Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?

15. Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?

16. Do you attract and/or seek people who tend to be compulsive and abusive?

17. Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?

18. Do you mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?

19. Do you find it difficult to identify and express your emotions?

20. Do you think parental drinking may have affected you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may be able to help you.

You can contact Al-Anon or Alateen  calling 1-888-4AL-ANON (888-425-2666), 8am to 6pm ET, Monday through Friday or by visiting the official Alanon Website
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/


Is Alanon For Me?
Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close.
These 20 questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon.

1. Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?

2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?


3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?

4. Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?

5. Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?

6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker?

7. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?

8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath?

9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?

10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?

11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?

12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?

13. Do you search for hidden alcohol?

14. Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?

15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?

16. Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to in order to control the drinker?

17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?

19. Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?

20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may be able to help you.
You can contact Al-Anon or Alateen  calling 1-888-4AL-ANON (888-425-2666), 8am to 6pm ET, Monday through Friday or by visiting the official Alanon Website http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/


Are you a sex addict?

Answer these questions to assess whether you may have a problem with sexual addiction.
Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you?

Do you lead a double life?

Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?

Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?

Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?

Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex?

Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?

Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships?

Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?

Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?

Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?

Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?

Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?

Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?

Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?

If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, we would encourage you to seek out additional literature as a resource or to attend an Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting to further assess your needs.

Sex Addicts Anonymous Official Web Site http://www.sexaa.org/


Are you a gambling addict?

Gamblers Anonymous offers the following questions to anyone who may have a gambling problem. These questions are provided to help the individual decide if he or she is a compulsive gambler and wants to stop gambling.

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?

Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?

Did gambling affect your reputation?

Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?

Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?

After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?

Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?

Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?

Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?

Were you reluctant to use “gambling money” for normal expenditures?

Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?

Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?

Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?

Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?

Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?

Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.
Gamblers Anonymous Official Web Site http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/


IS A.A. FOR YOU?

Only you can decide whether you want to give A.A. a try — whether you think it can help you.
We who are in A.A. came because we finally gave up trying to control our drinking.  We still hated to admit that we could never drink safely.  Then we heard from other A.A. members that we were sick.  (We thought so for years!)  We found out that many people suffered from the same feelings of guilt and loneliness and hopelessness that we did.  We found out that we had these feelings because we had the disease of alcoholism.
We decided to try and face up to what alcohol had done to us.  Here are some of the questions we tried to answer honestly.  If we answered YES to four or more questions, we were in deep trouble with our drinking.  See how you do.  Remember, there is no disgrace in facing up to the fact that you have a problem.
Answer YES or NO to the following questions.
1 – Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days?
Most of us in A.A. made all kinds of promises to ourselves and to our families. We could not keep them. Then we came to A.A. A.A. said: “Just try not to drink today.” (If you do not drink today, you cannot get drunk today.)
Yes No
2 – Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking– stop telling you what to do?
In A.A. we do not tell anyone to do anything. We just talk about our own drinking, the trouble we got into, and how we stopped. We will be glad to help you, if you want us to.
Yes No
3 – Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?
We tried all kinds of ways. We made our drinks weak. Or just drank beer. Or we did not drink cocktails. Or only drank on weekends. You name it, we tried it. But if we drank anything with alcohol in it, we usually got drunk eventually.
Yes No
4 – Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?
Do you need a drink to get started, or to stop shaking? This is a pretty sure sign that you are not drinking “socially.”
Yes No
5 – Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
At one time or another, most of us have wondered why we were not like most people, who really can take it or leave it.
Yes No
6 – Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
Be honest! Doctors say that if you have a problem with alcohol and keep on drinking, it will get worse — never better. Eventually, you will die, or end up in an institution for the rest of your life. The only hope is to stop drinking.
Yes No
7 – Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
Before we came into A.A., most of us said that it was the people or problems at home that made us drink. We could not see that our drinking just made everything worse. It never solved problems anywhere or anytime.
Yes No
8 – Do you ever try to get “extra” drinks at a party because you do not get enough?
Most of us used to have a “few” before we started out if we thought it was going to be that kind of party. And if drinks were not served fast enough, we would go some place else to get more.
Yes No
9 – Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don’t mean to?
Many of us kidded ourselves into thinking that we drank because we wanted to. After we came into A.A., we found out that once we started to drink, we couldn’t stop.
Yes No
10 – Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
Many of us admit now that we “called in sick” lots of times when the truth was that we were hung-over or on a drunk.
Yes No
11 – Do you have “blackouts”?
A “blackout” is when we have been drinking hours or days which we cannot remember. When we came to A.A., we found out that this is a pretty sure sign of alcoholic drinking.
Yes No
12 – Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?
Many of us started to drink because drinking made life seem better, at least for a while. By the time we got into A.A., we felt trapped. We were drinking to live and living to drink. We were sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Yes No
Did you answer YES four or more times? If so, you are probably in trouble with alcohol. Why do we say this? Because thousands of people in A.A. have said so for many years. They found out the truth about themselves — the hard way.
But again, only you can decide whether you think A.A. is for you. Try to keep an open mind on the subject. If the answer is YES, we will be glad to show you how we stopped drinking ourselves. Just call.
A.A. does not promise to solve your life’s problems. But we can show you how we are learning to live without drinking “one day at a time.” We stay away from that “first drink.” If there is no first one, there cannot be a tenth one. And when we got rid of alcohol, we found that life became much more manageable.

The Link To Alcoholics Anonymous Official Web site is http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/


“In July, 1999, I appeared as a guest expert on “Oprah” to discuss “The Disease to Please.” Oprah told her audience that this “disease” – the people-pleasing syndrome – is an issue that is very important and personal to her. It is a problem that she has struggled long and hard to overcome. And, she believes as I do, that there are epidemic numbers of women – and men, too – plagued by the self-imposed pressure to please others at the expense of their own health and happiness.”
Our tribute to the late Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D. Author of The Disease to Please, Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome

Emotional Detachment – Mentions Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.bpd411.org/emotionaldetachmentintro.html
http://www.bpd411.org/detach.html

Detachment
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

The Dark Twin inside ourselves by Lynne Forrest
http://lynneforrest.com/articles/darktwin.html
The Shadow Self (Reiki site)
http://www.reiki.org/reikinews/ShadowSelf.html

Breaking Free of Emotional Bondage
http://www.mtoomey.com/breakingfree.html

Are you in a Toxic Relationship – With Yourself?
http://www.myndtalk.org/htm/toxicrelationships.htm

Facing the Enemies Within by Jim Rohn
http://content.miw.com.sg/LifeStyle/Motivation/ls_motivation02_20030307.asp

Lessons about Emotional Detachment
http://incestabuse.about.com/library/weekly/aa112502b.htm

Emotional Detachment
http://www.heartrelationships.com/ARTICLES/Attachment/attachmentApril19.htm

Emotional Detaching (from an abusive relationship) – The Tears and Healing sites:
http://tearsandhealing.com/
http://tearsandhealing.com/metaphysics-of-detaching.htm
http://tearsandhealing.com/detaching-and-relationship-dimensions.htm
http://tearsandhealing.com/selective-detaching.htm

Personal Responsibility
http://www.coping.org/growth/accept.htm

Why Do People Chose One Bad Relationship After Another?
http://www.voicelessness.com/repetition.html

Co-dependency – a Checklist format
http://www.celebraterecovery.com/smallgroups/codependant.asp

Co-dependency Healing, Inner-child Healing and Recovery
http://www.joy2meu.com/index.html
Co-dependents Anonymous
http://www.codependents.org/
Co-dependency
http://codependency101.com/
Abusive Co-dependency
http://codependency101.com/abuse.html

Emotional Abuse site Robert Burney: Co-dependency/Inner child
http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/codependency_recovery

A checklist – Are You Co-dependent? Taking Care of Yourself
http://members.aol.com/BPDCentral/care.html

Co-dependents.org
http://www.codependents.org/

The Cause of Self Defeating Behavior
http://www.wendyhill.com/cause.html

Understanding and Changing Self Defeating Beliefs
http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/welcome1.htm

Co-Dependent & Dependent Personality Disorders
http://www.psychnet-uk.com/clinical_psychology/personality_disorders_co_dependent.htm

Addictive Relationships
http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/Brochures/addict.htm
Addictive Relationships
http://www.parkland.cc.il.us/ss/counseling/addictiv.html and
http://love-addiction.com/loveaddict34.html
Addictive Relationships Discussion Forum
http://www.shpm.com/phorum/list.php?f=95
Personal Responsibility – Ending Co-dependence
http://www.geocities.com/kerry_l_dennis/MPD/Articles/responsibility.html

Characteristics of Addictive Relationships

Click to access ram186.pdf

Developing Self-Control
http://www.coping.org/control/selfcont.htm

The Joy of Self Discipline
http://www.wendyhill.com/joy.html
Self Discipline
http://www.more-selfesteem.com/selfdiscipline.htm

Addictive Relationships – Addressing the fear of being alone
http://www.studentaffairs.cmu.edu/counseling/documents/relation.htmDon’t Call that Man!!
http://www.rhondafindling.com/BookExcerpt.htm

Addicted to Love?
http://www.ncpg.com/self4.html

Recovering From Addictive Relationships
http://test.namb.net/helplink/REL-ADRE.asp

Tempted to Call your N/P? Here’s help to overcome those strong feelings
http://www.rationalrecovery.org/Crash.html

Crash Course on AVRT – Highly recommended (See Bullets for my Beast at end of page)
http://www.rational.org/Structure.html
Secrets of Change
http://www.janefirbank.com/articles/articles.html