Sanctuary and Serenity

Have questions about your sexuality?

Posted on: March 27, 2010

Have questions about your sexuality? So many survivors question their sexuality, and their confusion lays on whether the abuse that  they’ve survived has caused them not to be heterosexual. Ones sexual identity may not be who you are, yet it is an intregal part to who you are and your lifestyle! When one suffers abuse from previous to and including 5-6 years old, your views of what was a boundary, or what was the right way to handle a situation, even having had to have sexual encounters with children of the same sex. Thus, when you reached puberty or before you without realising it were apt to reenact what abuses you had previously suffered. This may have even been due to the need to find comfort and love as all people, all not just the abused need cuddles, comfort and kindness. It may have been a way to find it. This could cause one to suffer from sexual identity, and sexuality issues.

This sexual confusion could be based in that your sexual awareness was immersed from an early age when you hadn’t a choice let alone the fact that you weren’t sexual yet. Thus, losing your childhood your innocence and causing an teenage, young adult and adulthood of pain and confusion.

Sexuality and sexual orientation are very different. Your sexual orientation is who you are based on whom your attracted to which would lead you to being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. Sexuality is the sexual self as who you veiw yourself as being.

So it is very possible to have homosexual thoughts and not be homosexual and vice a versa. As for sexual orientation it is based on a continuum.. If you said that being 100% Homosexual was 1 on a scale of 1-10 and 100% heterosxual was 10, no one would ever be a 1 or a 10. Thus, most that identify as homosexual would probably be around a 3 to 4, and heterosexual about 8 -9, and what about bisexual, dead on 5? No proboably either side of five.

Hence people may have fantasies that are homosexual and not be homosexual and same for heterosexuality and not be heterosexual. So when someone identifies with being heterosexual and has that intrusive thought of being with someone of the same sex doesn’t make you a homosexual and vice a versa. The point being that sexuality isn’t about sexual organs, it is a mental connection with someone else, entirely. Thus, if your homosexual, you’d know it as it isn’t a choice, it just is. It is no different than a persons ethnicity. You are who you are, based on your knowledge and innner wisdom. One just doesn’t “turn” gay, or becomes homosexual. You either are or your not!

The issue too is whether your are having a sexual enncounter with someone due to it being a choice based on your wants and desires, or is it due to what you’ve been trained to do and/or a matter of automaticity. So, if your involved in a sexual relationship based on what others have defined you as being, and not your definition of who you are, then there is a problem.  Your not living your life your sexuality. That is why it is so important to make sure that your living that life that is your sexual orientation and not someone elses definition. It can be very confusing and best sorted out in therapy.

Your sexual relationships are yours and no one elses. And your sexual life can be a very healthy happy way to express your love for another person. It doesn’t have to be dirty or hurtful. It takes a lot of work and it can be worked out in therapy what your true orientation is. It is important to our personal identification as to who we are and who we express our love with.

If your worried what others think of your sexuality, your wasting time. They are more engrossed in their own lives to be worried about what your doing sexually. Only worry we have as the human community that is in common, isthe harming of children and taking their innocence from them. That is a common goal we are all party too. So, if you are confused in you sexuality and find that sex is a job not a pleasurable experience shared with someone with whom you can trust, it is something clearly to address with a therapist.


Jeanne M. Callahan Ba Hons Psychology (University of Essex, Colchester UK

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