Sanctuary and Serenity

That is NOT who that child was.

Posted on: March 26, 2010

What Was Done to Me as a Child Is NOT Who That Child Was.
With my child’s mind, I thought that who I was as a child was directly related to my sexual abuse.  Since I had no one to tell me how precious and worthful I was, no matter what was done to me, I figured that what was done to me was who I was – shameful and terrifying!
I carried these feelings inside me, into my adulthood and continued to wonder why I had so much self-loathing and so little self-esteem.  I may have even tried to rid myself of these “demons” by trying to do away with myself.  Perhaps I could see no other way to relieve myself of these overwhelmingly painful feelings.
I have learned in recovery that those feelings of shame and terror were not at all a part of who that child was.  They were feelings passed on to me by my abuser’s shameful and terrorizing acts.
With my recovering adult thinking, I can separate the acts of my abuser from my precious and worthful child.  I do this by affirming that child and by walking with her through the grief and process of returning the shameful feelings to her abusers.  I become lighter and more joy-filled as I continue to let go of shame that does not belong to me and as I allow myself to have the feelings about what was done to me.

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